Just want to be myself again

Will I be forgiven for not walking the path that you wanted me to?
Can I choose to be a selfish person so that at least I could feel happier for myself?
Can I not hide my emotions every time I go out so that I can be who I am?
Can I not pretend to be strong when I want to cry myself to sleep?

Maybe you’re right, I am not as strong as you think, I am weak inside, and Indeed I am but I am trying to be stronger. To protect those I love and care, to be a better and more matured person. To please people around me so that others do not need to suffer seeing me upset, so that I can make people around me happy.

I really am lost, I don’t know what I should do sometimes, but sometimes I really can’t decide …

Maybe you are right, I am still mourning, mourning for his death, mourning for the loss, self pitying as if no one else in this world has lost someone they loved and cared. Feeling guilty for not being able to keep my promise, for disappointing him as his useless child. Can you hear me out?

I am in pain, the migraines never stop, those aches never end. I can’t sleep, I am exhausted, I want to just close my eyes and fade away, is this my punishment, that I have to be clear and alert that I have to face all this one by one. Is this my fault, that all this is happening?

I am trying really, to be happier, to move on, to let go, to get out of this darkness. Please, someone, save me?

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