I bet everyone has family issues, I’ve been bugged with this a lot recently, and I wish I can just smash my head to the wall and GTH, but I have to face it, because they are the ones who give me this life, maybe you don’t think it this way, but I think, I owe them for bringing life in me. So . . . This is the tasks that GOD wants me to go through, …
But the words, that come out from their mouth hurts deeply in my heart. I don’t know who to talk to, my brothers? HAHAHAHAHA… the best joke of the day always occur when I think of telling them about my problems. It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t feel right telling them, probably it’s because of our gap? We don’t talk. I miss them, I have always wanted to hug every one of them, but when I see them, things they say are always the things that I dislike listening to and things that they keep babbling about makes me bad mood…
mum called yesterday, asked how was I doing, I am fine mum, I am glad you called, I am lonely alone here, but I dislike the life in Ipoh. I prefer my life here, with freedom. I can never get freedom staying with you guys, and it’s not that I don’t want to stay with you all, I like it, just that sometimes, I feel even lonelier when I am back. I am fine chatting with you on the phone everyday for hours, it’s just that please understand my situation while I try to understand yours and stand in your shoe. I am very stressed in my job, and everything I am doing here, please don’t say foolish things that hurt my feelings. It’s not that I don’t want to. If I have, you know I will definitely give you.
Please stop calling me and telling me… I am very disappointed, send you all to study in University, and now no one pays us… mum, I just started, I need more time. And I did not go overseas, I did not get a Degree, You can’t expect too much from me. How about the others? Is it because they have family, they are being excused? So I can just use that excuse when I am married? I am very puzzled, I don’t know what you want, I don’t know what I want. I’ve been receiving offerings, should I change my job? I am happy with my current job, with all the colleagues here, but will the environment be the same if I change my job for a better pay to pay you? Will I be happier like that? And will you be happier as well? Is that all that matters?
I envy my friends, who go travel with parents, who crave to go home every weekend, no matter how tired they are, they still make the effort to go back. For me? I am feeling very numb now, I have lost interest, and instead of that, hatred grew in me. I don’t want to be like this. I want to forget what you both made me go through the past. I don’t want to put the blame on you as it’s already past, but what I have been through during my childhood makes me who I am today. . . . because of the gap with my brothers, we are never close, because you were too busy with work, I am always alone, because of you affairs, and quarrellings and misunderstandings, I can’t tell anyone how I felt. I DON’T WANT TO HATE YOU, because I am being understanding, for all these years.
I tried to be happy, so that you won’t worry about me.
I don’t want to let you see me, when I am crying.
I don’t want to ask you, when I am in need of help, because I know you have your things to do, to worry about.
but have you thought of how I felt? I don’t think so…