Do you go through the same ?

I bet everyone has family issues, I’ve been bugged with this a lot recently, and I wish I can just smash my head to the wall and GTH, but I have to face it, because they are the ones who give me this life, maybe you don’t think it this way, but I think, I owe them for bringing life in me. So . . . This is the tasks that GOD wants me to go through, …

But the words, that come out from their mouth hurts deeply in my heart. I don’t know who to talk to, my brothers? HAHAHAHAHA… the best joke of the day always occur when I think of telling them about my problems. It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t feel right telling them, probably it’s because of our gap? We don’t talk. I miss them, I have always wanted to hug every one of them, but when I see them, things they say are always the things that I dislike listening to and things that they keep babbling about makes me bad mood…

mum called yesterday, asked how was I doing, I am fine mum, I am glad you called, I am lonely alone here, but I dislike the life in Ipoh. I prefer my life here, with freedom. I can never get freedom staying with you guys, and it’s not that I don’t want to stay with you all, I like it, just that sometimes, I feel even lonelier when I am back. I am fine chatting with you on the phone everyday for hours, it’s just that please understand my situation while I try to understand yours and stand in your shoe. I am very stressed in my job, and everything I am doing here, please don’t say foolish things that hurt my feelings. It’s not that I don’t want to. If I have, you know I will definitely give you.

Please stop calling me and telling me… I am very disappointed, send you all to study in University, and now no one pays us… mum, I just started, I need more time. And I did not go overseas, I did not get a Degree, You can’t expect too much from me. How about the others? Is it because they have family, they are being excused? So I can just use that excuse when I am married? I am very puzzled, I don’t know what you want, I don’t know what I want. I’ve been receiving offerings, should I change my job? I am happy with my current job, with all the colleagues here, but will the environment be the same if I change my job for a better pay to pay you? Will I be happier like that? And will you be happier as well? Is that all that matters?

MONEY?

I envy my friends, who go travel with parents, who crave to go home every weekend, no matter how tired they are, they still make the effort to go back. For me? I am feeling very numb now, I have lost interest, and instead of that, hatred grew in me. I don’t want to be like this. I want to forget what you both made me go through the past. I don’t want to put the blame on you as it’s already past, but what I have been through during my childhood makes me who I am today. . . . because of the gap with my brothers, we are never close, because you were too busy with work, I am always alone, because of you affairs, and quarrellings and misunderstandings, I can’t tell anyone how I felt. I DON’T WANT TO HATE YOU, because I am being understanding, for all these years.

I tried to be happy, so that you won’t worry about me.
I don’t want to let you see me, when I am crying.
I don’t want to ask you, when I am in need of help, because I know you have your things to do, to worry about.

but have you thought of how I felt? I don’t think so…

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5 thoughts on “Do you go through the same ?

  1. my dear, i’m truly sorry for what you are going through and it is very depressing to hear that you have no one to talk to. I admit, i cannot say i understand what you are going through because i simply have not gone through family problems such as this. I commend you for being faithful and loving to your family regardless of how they treated you. It may be none of my business to comment on your post, but i feel inclined to do so as a fellow human being.While i may not understand what you are going through with your family issues, i certainly know what it’s like to be alone, with no one to talk to and no one who gives actually gives a hoot about your mental well-being. I’m sure God has His own reasons for putting you through this, perhaps He’s preparing your for something greater? Who knows, but only He. Whatever it is, always remember God is not a person who enjoys our sufferings, He suffers just as we do. Although it pains Him to see us in a state of distraught, sometimes, suffering is needed to make us stronger, that we may keep marching on.I hope you continue to carry on and be strong for your family and yourself and continue to strive forward. Never let the lemons in life get you down for too long k? You have friends that care for you deeply, just take that small step to open yourself to them and i’m positive they will throw you a lifeline and bring you out of the state of depression you’re in. God never intended us to suffer alone, He made friends so we could go through life with the people we love. Remember, there are angels around to watch over you, it’s just that they can blend in with us pretty well. God bless and have a nice one k? Try not to think about it too much, let God worry about it. You’ve done your part marvelously, now get some rest. If it’s not happy, then it’s not the end. =)

  2. @anon – Thanks… It’s sad, when you hear your friends say, I am here, please talk to me, Why Don’t you talk to me? But they never realize, when you deeply wanted to talk to them, they are always not around. During the period when you needed to talk most, they are always not there :(but really thanks for reading and posting.

  3. It’s sad, but true. Sometimes, friends aren’t there for us when we need them the most. But friends, are still only human, and humans are imperfect beings. If it really can’t be helped, the only way to release the hurt is probably write it down like what you did. It’s better than keeping it all to yourself and losing your sanity slowly, but surely. There are people out there who actually cares for you, be it a close friend or just a nosy anon. Look up and old friend, tell him/her your problems, you have many friends and i’m sure one of them will be available to listen to your woes. They may not be physically present, but it’s the thought that counts right? Hope you feel better, i really do. It’s sad to see another person going through stuff like this. =(

  4. @anon – In a way it helps after i write out every time, I really wish those people who I want them to see this, sees what I want to tell them. It’s hard to explain it… when I see them face to face. Sighs… but really thanks

  5. we always wanna go back home because we miss home so much.. missing parents and siblings. but when we are back home, it;s a different story. it started when parents start to nag, siblings have no time to talk you.. everyone is busy. it’s like no point going home. it’s not as if we can choose what to happen when we reach home. want parents to be as loving as before… a happy family?? or at least make it happen the way we want it to be? every teenager face the same thing. they wanted to go home so much because they miss their parents, family. yet, things turn out the other way.. negative. there was once a person told me this, your parents nag at you it’s because they care for you. worry. they cant find other ways to communicate with you, yet they wished to have conversation with you. third person always have different perspective than us, because we are bias, they are not. sometimes or rather most of the time words came out from their mouth really like a blade stab straight into my heart. make me feel..why i wanna come back anymore. you hurt me. but i miss you all. why are you guys doing this to me. but at the end of the day, i still love them because nothing can diminish family love. our loves. i have a very naggy father till the extend that my grandma cannot take it. can you believe it? his own mom cant take it naggi-ness. @.@ but this person awaken me, what if one day you cannot hear him nag at you anymore? this special person has a mom with heart disease, hence her life is like a timing bomb. no idea when it will explode. they appreciate time with each other altho they quarrel at times. since then, i always thought of this..what if one day i cant see them anymore. i dont wanna live in regret for the rest of my life. dad is naggy. mom’s too. but somehow…in their nags..thr are some msg that they trying to tell. they worry, cares a lot. pay more attention to their kata2 tersirat rather than the surface, you will know what they really mean. it’s very hard to search far deep into their words. it’s like searching for petroleum deep underneath the sea. try harder and harder and i believe you will find it one day. try, at least… 🙂

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