I don’t get it… at all ~

A friend once told me this, hey Potter, you know ? I envy you a lot. You have everything. You are born rich, lives in a Mansion, everyone likes you, you are famous, you are capable of doing so many things, you are good in everything you do. So what else do you still want ?

Seriously, I don’t know how to answer her… I have everything it seems, but those are not the things that I want. Have you heard of rich people being happy ? You can’t buy happiness with cash. . . and to be honest, I am not rich, the one who owns the mansion, is my dad, not me. I will not get it even when he dies, the fact that I am born female ( so called belong to husband in future when I get married, does not deserve to get any property. ) I understand the fact very well and I don’t blame anyone.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, sorry I can’t stop thinking, which is also one of the cause I don’t get sleep at all. Which I myself, cannot control, cause I don’t feel well. “Stop thinking and worry so much!”. Easy said then do. Yes? Until now, I’ve been posting a lot of emo posts, which I think by now, I can publish a book already, my heart is always hollow, empty and the burning in it makes me feel very sour. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried too much, sometimes I just cry without reasons, just felt like crying, and sometimes, I really feel very very sorry to my friends. For my sudden mood swing. I am trying, to be the old me. The happy one that you always see. Or can I say used to see… but I don’t want to lie anymore, to please everyone. It’s really really hard…

I wish someone out there could understand how I feel. I know I’m being very selfish, but I can’t help it. Sorry for writing rubbish again, I’ll stop now…


One thought on “I don’t get it… at all ~

  1. To be honest, I read this entry awhile back and wanted to respond to it … but just didn’t know how to. I wanted to say that I could understand what you’re feeling, but I cannot be too sure about that … I’m sure we’ve all felt empty and alone before, I know I have. Even just yesterday I was sort of in that mood — I wanted so desperately to talk to someone just to make sure I was really here. It was a strange feeling, like I’m not really sad, just remembering a dream of being sad. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense, but I’m not sure if this was the feeling you’re talking about … it was because I was feeling like that yesterday that I felt like responding to this entry, haha~ I thought I could finally understand what you wrote. =/Just letting you know you’re not alone. Despair gets to all of us. Even me. I know I should be grateful that I’ve led a happy life, but sometimes I wish I knew what suffering was like … so I could empathize and relate to my friends who are suffering. I feel like such a useless friend, cos all I can do is sit and watch and not do anything, because I cannot understand what other people are feeling enough to help them. Can I understand you well enough to help you? Am I doing enough? I’m not sure you even want me to. You say it’s hard for you to keep pretending you’re happy when you’re not, but every time you’re in front of me, you probably try to be happy to not make me worry. I don’t know if I can agree with this … I just want you to know that, all things considered, I care for you and worry for you. And I want SO MUCH for you to be happy. This is the truth. I don’t know how to say it any other way. =P

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