I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, whenever I have the time, and I am very confused of my path now. Doesn’t seem to have any meaning behind what I am doing now. Or perhaps I have not seen any results, or things that I used to set as a goal doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Everything I do seemed to be pointless.
The hollow feeling in the heart, keeps getting more and more hollow each day. Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to anyone, besides talking to my plushies. In a way, I’m happy, cos they will just listen to what i say. And whatever mood I am in during the time, it will just be let out and I’ll be fine. Sometimes I start to think that I am getting a little insane. LOL.
Feel like hugging someone all the time. Just get something to hug will do the thing. A friend told me “you can’t go through this every night you know”, I don’t want to rely too much on friends, what if one day i am left alone, I am hopeless I know. Nothing can seem to fill in the hollow feel of my heart.
I miss mum, I miss dad, I miss home. I’m tired of work, but I don’t hate my job. Feel like hugging mum and dad tightly, and sob like a baby. Dad would probably say, hey, you’re not a kid anymore. Stop crying, mum would probably let me be. . . I am always restless nowadays, getting a lot and a lot of nightmares. My colleague’s grandma just passed away 2 days ago, she was talking to her grandma on the phone earlier in the morning the other day, and she just left. I don’t know why, but I have been having all these nightmares, that someone would leave me soon, and I know I will surely breakdown again.
Or I shouldn’t think too much, that’s what Shio said. Stop thinking la!
What can I do?
I’ve been telling lies to myself just to let myself be happy, but what’s the point when the happiness is not real? And what others see is just a fake mask that you wear everyday before you leave your house. So what do you wish to see? The happy me or the real me ?
Anyway, sometimes I just don’t feel like socializing with other people, I just don’t know what I will respond and things I say might just hurt their feelings, so I guess I should stay at home and get over what I am not through.
Happy Mother’s Day, sorry I can’t be back as I have work that I need to do and I promise I will be back soon.
Please don’t be angry of me for not going back, it’s not that I wanted it to happen. I know both of you will never read this, but I just want to say it out to remind myself every time I read it.
I’ll be back soon…