memories . . .

met up with high school friends yesterday night at TOS. Really brings back memories. Seeing everyone, who changed so much, everyone’s doing good it seems. Only Kacee and Joey brought their partners along. The whole group of girls went of babbling off screaming, shouting and cheering happily. Still have not gotten free time to have a private chat with Neo. There are so many things to share. I think I am dying very soon. I should find some place to spread out the things in my heart. It’s getting heavier each day. It’s hard to just bug them while they are enjoying their holiday. Wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s mood in such a time. Guess I’ll do it next time then. . . . There are friends who asked, hey, where’s your other half? *I stood there, don’t know what to say.

Some other friends gave signal, and the heart felt heavy again. Every time some one mentions her name, tears will flood up. It’s so hard to hold the feeling. And yet people say I am acting very cold towards her. I am very mean to her, for doing such thing hurting that poor soul, “You never think of others feelings huh? You know she suffered a lot because of you?, You’re such an Idiot. You should Die, You shouldn’t deserve to live. You ruined her whole life!, You know she can’t live without you, I beg you, go back to her side”

So what’s this? You want me to do this, you don’t want me to do this. I’m puzzled…

Moving on, Dad’s calmed down a little now that Brothers left back to work in KL, Penang, Sarawak. I’m once again alone with parents at home. Tomorrow is my Lunar Birthday. Dad asked whether I wanted a cake to celebrate?

ME:: Dad, how old am I?
D :: 24 (following the chinese calendar)
ME:: Exactly! Do I look like the kind that wants a cake so desperately? I’m sorry dad, I am not the daughter that you used to have back in 1994, who cries for a cake. I don’t believe in making wishes anymore. Those are lies. None will come true. I don’t want to hope for anything anymore. I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. Let’s just go out for lunch that’s all. I’m happy being with everyone at home….
D :: Well, if you want that, then it’s up to you. Don’t say DAD never celebrate with you.
ME:: =_=|| Since I’ve left for KL to study, I’ve never celebrated my birthday. Please la, grow up!
D :: *laughs :: YOU? GROW UP? *laughs again walking to the garden
ME:: =_=|||

So you can see, no one takes me seriously, and some people say I am being too serious at times. And showing very serious faces. Making people around scared to even talk to me. What should I do?

I’m praying to GOD everyday, but doesn’t seem to improve? Maybe this isn’t my year after all. . . Anyway, thanks everyone for dropping by. It’s holiday. Go out! Don’t waste time at home, surfing the net. Only idiots do that. D:
And yeah, few more days left, will be resuming work on Tuesday. Gambaremasu!

I never thought we would ever meet again, or maybe Ipoh is really a small place. Was really shocked when I saw her. I thought it was just my illusion. Tried hard not to think. I’d even removed anything related. (I’m sorry friends of hers. I am sure you girls/guys would be very angry about this, or you probably hate me for this?) I just don’t know how to move on. It’s very very painful. The day when I made this decision. Someone has to sacrifice. Even everyone in this world hates you. Even her dearest sister hates you, or probably, she’ll be laughing like mad. Thanking god for making her dreams come true. Just don’t know what to say. IDK, I think she look prettier 🙂 Am glad she’s going out with friends, at least not ground at home. Stay tough! And Move On….

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10 thoughts on “memories . . .

  1. @SiongYi – Thanks@Anh – If I did not chose to end it, it’s even more painful. I thought I could handle it, but I just don’t know why the same questions come to me after so many times of my explanation. What is the point of going on when some people just don’t understand what we are having this relationship for. What is worth when people ask you a question about your relationship and you couldn’t even answer / protect what other comment? If you are so not sure about this relationship, you should ask your partner and learn, yes, if you don’t know, but after so many times, and so many times of explanations done, and yet you are still asking me back the same question. What is it worth? Do you understand?

  2. No. What i feel is that she is trying to hold onto the relationship by trying to solve things out with you. You guys don’t communicate well, is it? I don’t feel that she does not have any faith in this relationship. I feel that you have not given her enough security to make her feel safe instead.That’s why she asked you alot of times. Both of you have gone through so many things together. I can’t help but feel it is wasted. How do you know that it’ll be more painful in future? Why don’t you have some faith in her as well?Sorry if i’m writing rubbish here. Why do you have to listen to others? They won’t understand the situation as well as you. You should know her better, right? I think you guys deserve another chance 🙂 It is not that you guys have to sort out with families or what, right? If it is, i don’t know what to say.Love should not be this painful for both of you.  

  3. Hey potter, I don’t know about your love hate relationship with your “other half” but seeing you writing these posts made me feel that you ought to consider occupying yourself with other stuffs for the moment so that you don’t think about this too much. (Teehee^^ I just helped a friend got over hers, so I figured my itchy hands can’t stop.) On a lighter note, I’ll be coming back to Malaysia on the 5th of May. [You’re the first person to know aside from my immediate family.] Honored leh! Look at the glass half full, NOT half empty. XD Cheers!

  4. @Anh – Hey there…If she’s trying to hold onto the relationship, let me tell you this, it’s too late. It’s my way of doing things, and I think it’s slowly time to let her grow up more. If you don’t like it, then just get over it. And it’s not easy since you say we don’t communicate well. It’s hard since I left school, I had to send so many spies around getting news for me. I’m not the insect / parasite in her body. So yeah. And since we are so far apart, it’s even harder for me to give her enough security. One of the reasons I urge her to finish her TKD is also one of my reasons. I can’t stay in Singapore as I have wished before because of my parents. And it’s not easy to LIE HERE EVERYDAY. Lying about not having a relationship and I don’t want to break the old people’s heart. DAD already found out a little and he swore we will never talk “Me and my DAD” if he catches what I am doing. MUM on the other hand almost threw my thousands of letter that she wrote to me since Form 1. Plus all the pressure from Family and work. I don’t have a life. And the only place I thought I would get more care is from her side, but instead, not only not being understanding, I am the one who is always being blamed. Whenever / whatever happens, her sister will inform me. I will have to make sure she’s ok. It hurts my feelings seeing her like this. Even when I am very stressed with personal stuff, not always I can share, cos I am not used to sharing! Give me time for god’sake. She in the other hand cried. And what? I got scolded by my housemates and friends because of her. It’s my FUCKING FAULT AGAIN!. I couldn’t focus on working, and I’ve already had a bad feeling if I don’t excel, I am going to lose my job soon. I have to let go of something. Should I quit my job? Should I end my relationship with my parents? Should I end my relationship with her? Yes, you might hate me for saying this. I am not good in managing my time etc. So FUCK IT! I don’t FUCKING HAVE TIME MYSELF. And I am trying to have some past time to build my PR in the cosplay comunity. And she fucking say I am more into cosplaying than her. I am a committee in CF. So? I should ask people to do things while I blindly hold the position? And don’t say I don’t put faith in her. I already did. For 7 fucking years. She don’t know anything, I will always be there to help/guide her. When she’s stressed and depressed about her results, I tried my best to cheer her up. Don’t know the things she said is truly from her heart or was she just saying to make me feel better? Why don’t you hear my part then only you judge? So what if she’s younger? Try standing in my shoe perhaps? My childhood is not as good as hers you know, and even though I don’t say it doesn’t mean I am enjoying it. So people out there, don’t fucking say anything before you know everything. I can write whatever I want and make people pity myself even more if I want to, whatever I write is based on my feeling that time. And I don’t listen to other like she does ok. So that’s it. End of story. And thanks for dropping by. To her friends, do your part, and help me take care of here. I am not worth. And comment more so that I can count how many people hates me. Thank you very much!@ywsmokona – Thanks there. And I am honored. Thanks for the video that you’ve posted previously. Snow is really nice. Wish I get to touch it one day. 🙂 Take care there, hope to see you soon ~

  5. Hey, easy there. . .I’m not blaming or hating you or anything. Sorry if i sounded rude. It’s funny 🙂 What she wrote inside her blog is the same as yours. About the listening to others and the people commenting part. Your friends had actually persuaded her to break with you.No offense, really.
    I am actually her close friend in singapore. I’m fromVietnam. She used to talk about you alot during out breaks and we can really see how much she misses you. She didn’t complain about you. Everything she shared with us is how happy when she is with you or how much you had done for her. I can see she really appreciated it. Sorry that i feel that you’re blaming her everything instead when she didn’t blame a single thing about you. Both of you love differently. But, both of you love each other very deep. That’s all i can say.
    She said the same about the parents part. Can’t help but feel really painful to see her like this. I don’t understand how things turned out to be like this. I’m sorry and i won’t drop by anytime in future. Don’t worry and all the best.   

  6. @Anh – As a friend, help me take care of her will you? If she needs to talk, do so. Sorry for my rudeness. My mood swing is always the bad part of mine. Please, don’t let her walk alone. What is done is done. I will not turn back. And I have my own reasons for this. And who doesn’t miss the past? I treasure the times we are together. Thanks for telling me the truth. I appreciate it ^^

  7. @potter87 – No. I won’t clean up your messes. She will do what she wants. And i’ll let her die even if she wants. She looks painful to live. That’s it. I have done my part already.  

  8. @Anh – Fine. Let her die than. Then the world will blame me for everything. Isn’t that GREAT. The punishment that I shall get for doing this to her right? Thanks again. Whoever you are. Appreciate it and sorry for wasting your time typing here.

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