I thought things were going to turn out better…

Was looking forward towards the CNY holidays to spend at home with family. At least I can feel a little more sheltered. Took extra 3 days of leave so that I could spend more time with mum and dad. Somehow since the breakup, I feel even more lonelier, whenever I see mum, I just feel like telling her how sad I am feeling right now, how hard I wanted to hug her. I just don’t know why, is this my fault for leaving her? Is this what god is doing to punish me?

Things seemed to get worse these few days. Heard from dad about grandpa’s condition. I am not really close to grandpa as I wasn’t brought up by dad’s side, I am more close to mum’s side, but the other day when we were over for lunch on Saturday, when grandpa came back from the hospital. I just don’t know why I felt like crying. I saw a lot of bandages on his arm. A lot of blue black marks. This is what he go through 3 times a week. He was smiling, telling me this wound is from which needle, and I felt so painful for him. Dad was very worried as well. Dad was so concerned. I have never seen his worried look before. This is the first time. No one can pretend to be strong forever. I know everyone is weak inside. (especially those who look strong outside).

Then on the first day of New Year, more and more things just happened. I do not wish to write here, but I am really disappointed to those people who did it. You are already 40 years old, and you are yet, still giving these 2 old folks trouble. Things added on to make them angry and worried. Then dad just starts talking about what he wish us to do for him when he is gone. How he wanted us to arrange for his ceremony. I don’t wish for this day to come. I am very scared, I do not know how to react. Then he told me, When papa die, don’t cry ok?

I do not wish to write all this during such time, it’s new year. We should be happy celebrating it, but it’s already the 3rd day of CNY. I don’t even have the mood to go out. I just don’t know why. I disappointed my friends because of my own issues. I am really sorry to Kacee, Neo and Siew Ooi for preparing a surprise for me. I did not appreciate it, and I responded so badly. I am just not used to receiving surprises. And it just reminded me of what happened last year on Valentines Day. She came and I just scolded her for the surprise. I am so sorry I’m being such a failure, yet I’ve disappointed so many friends again.

I just don’t know what I should do. When friends wished me, I reminded myself, hey, you’re already 23. Congrats, you are one year older, but you don’t act like one. No one treats you like one. You are still crying like a child, in fact even more often lately. Almost every night before you sleep. What is wrong with you. Aren’t you happy? You’re being born in such a good family, staying in such a huge house. You don’t need to worry about anything. You just make promises and breaks them. You tell lies and make other sad. You shouldn’t deserve to live. Maybe you should just be a piece of shit and get flushed into the toilet.

Yet again the other side told me, hey sam, you have to stay strong. Do not disappoint more friends who supported you all this while. Stay strong for the sake of other who are willing to help you. Do not show them your weak side. Do not make others worry. Smile for them. You can make a difference.

I’ve been doing this since I was young, changing masks wherever I go. It’s very hard. Yes, I shouldn’t whine about my life. Everyone goes through the same hard thing the different way. No one is living a good live. I shouldn’t. Maybe I should stop. . . ..

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