Read and understand . . .

I’m unwantd anyway. . i’m abandoned again. In the first place, i don’t even know why she had wanted me. I only know how to ask for her care, ask for her happiness. . This should not be something new to me anymore. She has done this to me many times without her realising it.
We shouldn’t have met at the first place. Since you said it that way. I should have accepted your break up letter back in 2004 and ended it that way. Probably you wouldn’t have suffer that much. Probably I wouldn’t have hurt you so much. I’ve always hurt you.

My brother even approved of us, do you know that?
My brothers wanted me to break up with you. I never told you.

He’s right. Does it make any differences ? It’s just the word ” break up”. You are not there always when i need you. Not there for me to hug. I wanted you to say things when you didn’t. Wanted you so mcuh to hold me when you didn’t. You can spend money to go to Singapore just for Cosplaying. But not me. Can’t you see?
Yes, I can do that to something that I have interest in. You don’t know what I am doing, and you will never understand.

Even if i’m near you, I’m associated with your uneasiness. Yet, you claimed we are too far apart? I’m doing all my best, can’t you see? I thought i could lend you my shoulder anytime you want. But you pushed me away. SO, it’s just nothing. From now on, i have nothing to lose except myself. I have just lost my reason to smile. That’s all. I’m still me.
How long is it since I’ve left school for College in KL? How often do I go back ? How long have you left school for College in Singapore, how many times have we met? How often do we speak in phone, writing letters, text ? How has things changed ? How hard are you going through in school ? How hard is it to fight ?

I’m glad that i am of use anyway. I made her strong huh.
Thank you

I thought she wouldn’t realise it. I knew this day would come. I had realised it many months ago.But i do not intend to wake her up.
I did not wish this day would have come so soon. I just don’t know why I made this decision. And I am glad I did and it’s also thanks for to your confession.

She did not explain it well though. What did i do that make you hurt? I’m just asking the basics. Cares. . attention, thoughts.. all those. Why didn’t you feel that the pain you have gone through are the pain that i’m went through too? Why does she feel that she is the only one in pain? Why does she feels that i’m the one always hurting her? Why didn’t she realise that it was her that made me change? In fact, i just changed to want her much more to myself. And yet i let myself unprotected to allow you to hurt me so much. I allow myself to held high hopes on her.
Not everything is explainable, you did not do anything wrong. There is no one to blame but myself. I am the one who has changed. And you shouldn’t compare the pain that I am going through with yours. The pain you face in your life is not the same compared to mine. You don’t know me at all. . . . you have protected yourself a lot for all these years and you said you left yourself unprotected. How much have you trusted in this relationship while I am being blamed for ruining your life this way. Once again, I am being blamed and yes, it’s all my fault again. I’m sorry.

” What you don’t like about it, i will CHANGE “. You told me this in the past. This was a LIE also right? You told me that you would love me till the end of the world. It was another lie. Please use better words.
Yes, I did it again. I lied. Or can I say I am pretty good in this since you took the lie. And I don’t want to keep on lying to myself about the reality. “FACE IT”.

I would admit that we should have broken up earlier since we had not yet let each other ” SEE the REAL ” each other yet. I’m not open up to you and you knew that. You are more open up to your “friends” when you claimed that i’m your girlfriend. Don’t deny that. You don’t even dare to let me hurt.
What you have witnessed in the past few months is nothing. You have never seen the real me. You were barely there. You did not change. I did. And yes, as I have told you many times, I don’t know why you are so uncomfortable talking to me, whenever I ask you something, you would just answer one word. I seriously talk even more better with friends. While we were friends. When we talk in letter / phone, but never in real.

Don’t you dare look down on me. You think i would do what you say? Forget you huh? Maybe the day i die? I would be happy if it’s the case. You would be the only one i love in my life. That was also something i have said in the past. It will always be the same. So, take your time. I wouldn’t blame if our line of thoughts is different. I don’t agree what you say and you don’t agree mine’s. But i chose to suffer and hurt. I would be there for you till the end of the world. That’s my promise and i would DO IT.
Do whatever you want, and I have no rights to say anything anyway. I’ve told you that I do hope we can be friends, not enemies. And I don’t want to have any enemies. And I don’t want to do anything / write anything more to hurt you even more. So let go ~

I would be the finest girl when you see me the next time. I wouldn’t be the one who will be asking you questions anymore. I would then have the real strength to protect you for your whole life. When i’m ready, i will find you again.
I hope the best for you and I am glad you said so. Hope I am ready when we meet again next time.

So, don’t say sorry when i don’t hold any grudges against you nor do i feel what you’re doing is wrong. You just choose not to suffer anymore. I’m glad you did cos i know i wouldn’t have the will to do that on my own. I tried to ask you back then was my selfishness.
Sorry that I had to say sorry, yes I chose not to suffer anymore as I have a long way to go. I have many things that
I wish to polish, my career, my family, my bond with friends, relationships with the public, I had to sacrifise one thing. That I know is the most important thing that I can’t handle for now, which is my own relationship. So I’ve decided to let go. May God be with you, and I shall burn in hell for doing this. Please get over it and live on. We shall not see each other again. Take care ~

I will wait for you.
All the best in your future undertakings. ~ Study well and excel.


3 thoughts on “Read and understand . . .

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