Decided to make this post public, since some of them out there doesn’t have a xanga account to read. So here you go. Take care ~
During the weekend….
Shio came over, at first wanted to help her friend Adrian to do props for his MV shoot, but at last it was canceled due to short period of notice and also lack of time to get materials. Watched Alvin & The Chipmunks 1 & 2 and also a movie that she got from Speedy entitled “Anne Frank”. Was really a nice movie. Anyway, at night before we slept on Saturday, had a long conversation. About everything…
Things that she brought up made me think a lot these few days, I think I am slowly becoming the old you. I don’t know what to blame and what to say. Yes I admit, I am very scared. Cos you HURT me too much. It’s very painful. I need time, loads of time to recover. It will NEVER heal this easily. Ask yourself, how many times you hurt me. Not to say pay back, the pain you caused me is more than the pain I give to you, ignoring & being cold to you. And adding from what other friends say about how BAD I TREAT YOU, it’s even more painful. NO ONE knows what the hell happened. No one is even bothered to know both side story. All they say is . . . try la, to understand how she feels, you are more older, and you are more matured. You should be more understanding. I’ve been so understanding for these FUCKING years, I don’t know what you want. And I am very tired.
You said I wanted to go, you would gladly let me go, you are BULLSHITTING. And then what ? You kill yourself. This relationship is not a child’s play. Seriously, no one knows and care how I felt. No one knows how much it hurt me when you gave me the break up letter when I was in Form 5. You don’t know how much it affected me. You ruined my reputation in school, for crying in public for the first time. And how much it hurt me EVEN MORE when you told me to “FORGET” about the letter, and you said “I never knew this letter would hurt you so much”. Don’t take this as a game. And don’t blame yourself for being young. I have always been thinking for you, “maybe she’s affected by friends, maybe she’s afraid longer relationship would make life hard, maybe she wants to focus on her studies, maybe we are just having fun, maybe this trend just stops after everyone leaves school.” Too many maybe(s) for you. And even after I left school, the same problem still occurs, even until you have GRADUATED from high school, and furthered your studies in Singapore. You’re still the same, even until now.
I don’t care anymore, no one ever thinks in my shoe. YUP. No one. All I can do is just bullshit here. And hope you never and will never read this. Only god knows how SAD I am. And you claimed I am closer to friends than to you, I never tell you anything. I think I am seriously going to KILL myself one day. And you know what, I would not blame it on anyone. Cos it’s all my fault. Driving away the other day is also my fault. Being heartbroken is also my own FUCKING fault. Choosing this path is also my fault. Knowing you and making you sad, and turn out this way is also ALL MY FAULT. I am sure everyone would be very happy seeing this. Cos I am apologizing. For hurting you. And YES, I am not being reasonable and I am SELFISH! YOU CAN’T JUST DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE WHENEVER YOU LIKE IT YOU KNOW? YOU MAKE ME HATE YOU EVEN MORE now . . . Don’t think by saying those things would make me feel all right, I won’t get over it as easy as you have said it would be. Yes! I’m not over it and I am a person who remembers sad things more than happy moments. So bear with it. You’ll have loads to suffer. You chose this path. And now you have awaken the old me. I don’t want so say SORRY anymore cos I was NEVER at the first place. Go be a normal girl and be happy with your own life.
GOD, I LOVE YOU for BLESSINGS me with this GIFT. For giving me such CHALLENGING LIFE. I OWE YOU so until I DIE, I WILL END THIS THE WAY YOU WANTED.
GOOD DAY! And I hope I DON’T SEE YOU UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.
SAM LEONG! GO TO HELL